User:Meco

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The life story narrative provided below is very incomplete, and the most significant elements are still lacking from it. I vacillate, however, between finishing it or removing it. I'm not really motivated toward writing an autobiography. Holotropic Homosexuality

Name: Halvor (Raknes)
Nationality: Norwegian
Address: Herregårdsveien 6K, Oslo, Norway
Email: a22112216@yahoo.com
Phone: none
Age: 54
AOA: 13-19 (actually, I just like boys, any age, as long as the present boyness in large amounts)
Religion: Thelemic Abraxian Apotheosis

Intro

I am a devoted servant of God. I work with God. I am God. I am in God. If you can relate to or wish to relate to this quaternity, you will be able to entertain a relationship with me.

I consider myself to be a mononymous person, i.e. Halvor is the only full name I recognize for myself.

My background with respect to boys and sex

Ever since I attained puberty I was attracted to and sexually aroused by the sight and thought of boys (pubescent, not prepubescent). So, with the money I got for my 13th birthday I ran downtown and bought myself a Super 8 mm film projector and two 10 minute movies, one with two boys, 14 and 15 years old, and one with a boy, about the same age, who as a Boy Scout knocks on the door of an older woman (in order to sell something or other) who subsequently seduces him. After this I continued to be a high-volume consumer of gay pornography with a preference for pubescent boys. Before the Internet started up and I got on it (in early 1994), I had never before encountered child pornography. It did not take long before I discovered the gay porn channels on IRC with names such as #gayteengifs. I purchased a 28k8 leased line around 1995-96 to enable me to remain online 24/7. So I started to collect erotic and pornographic photos of boys, still no prepubescent. As I gradually became aware that there was a pedophiliac presence on the net, I looked this up out of curiosity and genuine interest for what this was all about. It was subsequent to this that I began accepting a few images that went below, agewise, what I had previously received. Due to the illicit nature of this trade and the high level of paranoia of the men who had a particular interest in this, I closed off a part of my then FTP site for such trade, giving out separate access to people who were particularly interested in exchanging either nude photos of prepubescent boys (aroused or not), photos showing such young boys engaged sexually with each other, or pictures of adult men having sex with these young boys. With regards to the legal pictures, they were of the same kind that I presented openly in image galleries on my personal home page, which I believe had 800,000 visitors as early as 1995. I did charge money for access to my “legal” connection from people who weren’t trading (remember that this all started as a trader-collector activity on IRC using the DCC protocol), I believe $25 for six months access (I don’t remember exactly). My income from this approximately covered my expenses for the leased phone line; that’s how I justified to myself taking that money. And since all the people who ever had access to the youngest pictures were already into this activity of exchanging (or trading, as the term was, it was a fully reciprocal process) them, pay was never considered. Besides, I was quite conscious that there were ethical considerations involved, not to mention criminal, so I did not want to provide access to this material to people that were not already into it. All my child pornographic images were hidden on my hard drive by an encryption protocol which in some respects is similar to PGP, which was called SFS-Secure File System. So, when I was arrested in November 1998 and all my computers impounded, the police were never able to find this material. The reason for my arrest was somewhat unrelated to this. It involved a burned CD which contained heterosexual porn which some teenage boys who had been in my apartment asserted that they had received from me. That CD was an anomaly as I had never cared for naked women or girls. It had been left (forgotten maybe) by a teenaged boy whom I had become acquainted with, and when some other teenaged boys (a little younger, around 14) were in my home, they discovered it and asked if they could borrow it. Not giving the matter much thought I said fine. I was convicted in the lower courts for having made "illegal pornography" available to minors. When the case was appealed, however, I was acquitted as it became unclear whether the CD presented in court was the same which I had had in my apartment (and which I had barely glanced at).

Backlash

So, consequently, my enthusiasm for Internet pornography waned rapidly. In fact, I experienced what can probably best be described as pornography exhaustion. Having abused my eroticism with audiovisual voyeurism through pornography for my entire adult life, I experienced a spiritual dearth where my life had become very bland, I hadn’t had any dreams for years, and I was completely deprived of the ability to make visualizations in my mind. And I lost my sexual drive to a significant, and to me alarming, degree. In fact, I went to see a sexologist. He in turn prescribed psychotherapy, and for a few years I regularly went to see a shrink to try and untangle my life and gain some sort of purpose, direction, and meaning. Probably an important factor for the big changes that were then to take place in my life also was my having begun to experiment with cannabis in 1997, at the age of 33. Through 2003 I did a lot of this drug. In the meanwhile I also tried out ecstacy and amphetamine, and I discovered House music.

Spiritual rebirth

Until my first experiments with illegal, recreational drugs, I had little experience with either bliss, ecstasy or had any spiritual or religious experiences. That is, I have since come to clearly realize that I did in fact have a seminal spiritual experience, probably when I was around 4 years old.

I'm sitting or lying on a bright green lawn, all senses infused with the richness of the fresh grass. Then I remember seeing spheres, though I'm not in the same location as I had been. I am in a completely different space surrounded by iridescent spheres, reminding me of soap bubbles, but different, perhaps more solid. Also there is order, the spheres being of varying sizes, I think, and geometry and symmetry, I'm in the symmetry axis. I had the strong feeling that this was a separate reality. a deeper level reality than the everyday world I am used to…

The memory of this experience fades as childhood wanes and I only remember this incident decades later in connection with my spiritual awakening.

It's 1997, I'm 33 years old, it's Easter, I'm at a huge computer party outside Oslo with several thousand participants, mostly adolescent boys.[1] I've been immersed in this community since 1993 when I was finishing my studies to become a registered nurse, which coincided with me buying my first PC and the opening up of the Internet. Up to this point I'd had little experience with intoxication. A firm non-smoker, I had also never taken much to alcohol. The number of times I'd been drunk was very low. I'm very opposed to drugs, and for the past three years I've been the leader of a national atheist organization, the Norwegian Heathen Society. I'm no hardline atheist, more of an agnostic. Basically I haven't been pondering much the depths of life, the universe, and reality. Though I'm by no means a shallow person, I've just not been exposed to such depths. We all of course figured those "depths" were all products of delusional fantasies arising out of a need for "emotional crutches". Whereas we were rational, taking on the real issues of the world, religious people were all attempting to escape facing reality, creating instead their own self-delusional havens. This group was not the big Norwegian humanist/atheist organization, it was more of an affiliate, focusing on youthful activism, trying to raise public awareness of abuses taking place in the name of religion and criticizing the concept of religion from a rational, skeptical perspective, often using humor as a primary communication tool (we published several issues of the comic Jesus Kristus & Co with a layout imitating Donald Duck & Co (always tremendously popular in Norway)) and being known for showing up in the buzzling center of Oslo on sunny Saturday afternoons, inviting mostly Christians (Muslims hadn't yet become dominant like today) to debate us spontaneously. A lot of memorable interchanges thus took place over the years drawing large crowds as listeners and onlookers.

The computer party was a five-day online networking marathon in which sleep was frowned upon and energy drinks and stay-awake pills were all the rage, although anything stronger was strictly taboo. Still, some people snuck off to private areas to do other drugs. For some reason a friend, a 19-year old boy at the periphery of the crowd I usually hung with, invited me to smoke cannabis out in the parking lot. He, a classmate and me. With the trance of the whole setting I went with the offer. I remember the frost on the asphalt looking like diamonds having been spread all over. It was a magical experience.

This seems to have been a one-time happening. It's only two years later that I again come into contact with drugs. I'm having a brief but intense relationship with a 16-year old boy. The odds are all stacked against it working out for the long haul, his social environment becomes more and more suspicious about the nature of our relationship, and he soon buckles under that pressure. For several years I've been open about my sexuality, even as it pertains to adolescents. It ends in tears and excruciating heartache, at least the latter component on my part. Funny thing, even as we break apart, his best friend now becomes my friend. He's not an object of my heart's desires, but he's a very nice guy, very tolerant and easygoing, and he's having serious problems at home were he lives with his troubled single mom. Still lingering in the emotional aftermath of the torn relationship I invite him to stay at my apartment. He ends up staying for a year, sleeping in his clothes slouching in a reclining armchair. I implore him to at least lie down on the couch, but the armchair remains his sleeping accommodations. In any case, we become good friends, and we experiment with smoking hashish, then marijuana, and we have loads of fun doing so. This becomes a habit for me which endures past him moving out and the two of us being bosom buddies. I love what I consider a higher state of consciousness. My brain fizzles, I become immensely creative, I start reading all sorts of stuff on the Internet, I write aphorisms, I start going to house parties, dancing all night long becomes an exalted passion. The world, reality, life, the universe, all opens up to me.

Wooed by the dark side

There's a parallel narrative that I need to flesh out. At one time during my tenure as head of the Norwegian heathens our board receives an invitation from a Norwegian pagan group. As I learn later learn, the author of that invitation is also a member of the occult group O.T.O. In any case, our board politely turns the invitation down as we do not consider us in any way, shape or form spiritually inclined, although our organization carries the ambiguous name of heathen.

Around the same time I'm being contacted on the Internet by someone who presents himself as Marco Dimitri. He tells me he's an Italian 15-year-old boy, and he's obviously interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I don't remember in which forum this contact unfolded, but it must have been one among several teenage gay-oriented online chat venues which I spent a lot of my time in. Dimitri tells me about his organization, Bambini di Satana – "children of Satan", explaining that they aren't really Satanists, its more a cultural association. I sense no ulterior motives or deception to begin with, but then I come across some information on the web informing me that Dimitri is not 15 years old, rather he's one year older than me. As I confront him with this he ashamedly admits the deception, excusing himself with assuming that I probably wouldn't be romantically interested in him had I known he was in fact an adult. And of course, my fascination with this "fifteen-year old" who's been speculating whether perhaps he could hitch a ride with a long-haul trailer going north across Europe in order to come and stay with me immediately vanishes. (By the way, I started and wrote most of the Wikipedia biographical article linked to above.) At this stage I do not even consider that there could be an ulterior motive along spiritual or occult lines to this. I have no frame of reference to even contemplate myself being targeted for such reasons. I end our contact right there.

Probably around the turn of the millennium I find myself having accrued some new friends. For the past year or so I've been going to dance parties, increasingly being enamored by the community which surrounds these events, very many embracing a lifestyle where the acronym PLUR (standing for peace, love, unity, respect) epitomize some of the core values, a sub-culture living high on a vibe of love, on a strong sense of community, and all of it powered by electronic dance music, and to a large, extent illicit drugs, foremost cannabis, amphetamine (speed) and ecstasy (MDMA). And I've been embracing all of it full on, ravenously actually. On weekends and sometimes during the week (as my work as a night ward nurse in municipal home-based care will allow) I go out dancing or hang out with friends who share the same passion for this partying lifestyle. It's somewhere in the thick of this hectic period of buoyant life expression that I find myself with some new friends. It started out with people with a foothold in the computer scene where I had up until then been a central character[2][3], but imperceptibly other people started becoming part of my inner social circle. One of these was an avid member of the occult society Ordo Templi Orientis, often only referred to as the O.T.O. It wasn't his affiliation with this group that was at the fore of what he introduced me to, rather it was a zeal to get into the quirky workings of reality itself employing an array of methodologies that was until then completely oblivious to. And he freely shared much of what he was into, including lots of links to information on the Internet. He was a fearless psychonaut, a term I was also hitherto unacquainted with. Soon I was to become one as well. My focus pretty fast zoned in on the entheogenic aspect with an emphasis on the literal meaning of the term, i.e. actualizing the emergence of the God within, or coming into contact with divinity with these chemicals or herbs as helpers. That is, in these early stages of psychic exploration godhead or the existence of God wasn't realized, that acute realization didn't come until probably around 2002. In the beginning of this phase my focus was pure exploration, trying to learn and experience as much as I could about a new reality that was fast unfolding before me. The realization that life as I had conceptualized it until then was just a cramped and confined space compared to the vast gave me an incredible rush and a strong incentive to keep exploring and mapping this new territory.

Actually, all of this really isn't about being wooed by the dark side as I wish to discuss in this section of my tale. What I intended to shed light on, as it were, when I used the term "the dark side" in this context, is occultists and occult communities, what in esoteric parlance is often referred to as the "left path". I have a sharp axe to grind with these communities, in fact, grinding that axe has turned out to be a core sgment of my mission, For that reason I want to detail the occasions and ways that these have actively injected themselves onto my path, openly or insidiously, scenarios where I get the sense that individuals or groups are actively and purposefully targeting my attention, possibly even attempting to influence my choices, that exploration.

So back to my friend who eagerly introduced me to the left hand side as he was then exploring it and as far as I know has continued to go deeper and deeper into the darkness. I remain to date unsure whether him getting into my life was planned or not. Our ways parted ostensibly in 2003, but my interactions with O.T.O people continued and became conflicted. I met him again a few years later, and I spent a couple of hours in his company then. His behavior on that occasion was peculiar in the extreme, and it even prompted me to bring up in conversation the practice of using "stop words" that is employed among practitioners of sado-masochism as a safety mechanism to prevent unwanted trauma, simply because I experienced his behavior at that time so erratic and so abrupt in a very dark manner that I weren't sure he was fully prepared to or able to respect my integrity. Obviously, when someone is deep into some esoteric self-transforming process, like the dark bhakti yoga he had been practicing, and the particular phase of it he was at that time possibly immersed in, eccentric and frightening behavior can occur, and normal rules and expectations can not be taken for granted. That's why I wanted to draw his attention to us meeting at that particular time and that since I was not at all aware of where he was and what he was up to at that moment, ontologically speaking, a certain measure of consideration for my personal integrity would have to be acceded by him if we were to hang out together. In any case, I wasn't able to establish rapport and I got more and more the impression that he was in no congenial frame of mind towards me, so we soon parted ways on that afternoon. Whether he was antagonistic towards me or simply too absorbed in his own work to be able to focus on me I couldn't tell. The next time I saw was probably around 2010. He was standing on the entrance stairs of the main branch of the municipal library staring at me approaching. Did he attempt to look threatening? It looked that way to me. Anyway, I headed straight for him but he turned and disappeared.

My interactions with the guy above should, perhaps be considered in combination with my strained relationship with another member of Oslo O.T.O. He's been said to be their secretary and also accused by an infamous Illuminati whistle-blower (i.e by his own account) of having perpetrated some egregious persecution of him. Anyway, nothing really concerning me, except that I had met both of these two characters in the gnostic congregation in Oslo around 2004. Not together though. Still, when the whistleblower activities started in 2006-2007 it caught my attention, and I began chronicling his outpourings and developing activities. This led to me soon having enough information to write a separate wiki page about the O.T.O secretary. To make a long, sordid story short, I apparently became his new Nemesis. The guy who had been posting, more or less erratically the allegations against him didn't seem to to irk him much any longer, but I who had collated the information and presented it in a coherent fashion became the target of his frustrations, leading to a number of threats and incidents during the following years. Anyway, the website with all of this material has recently disappeared, so now one would have to dig into the Internet Archive in order to locate that particular article.

Funny coincidence though, just I am writing this and looking at several related web pages, I learn that the owner of the now defunct website, whom I learned to know as early as 1994-95 here in Norway, when he was 15 years old and part of the same online community consisting of mostly nerds and hackers that I had become acquainted with, we have not been on personal terms since the late 1990s though, this guy and the O.T.O. guy I was telling about a little earlier, he who introduced me to much occult, they both apparently now live in the same tiny Swedish city not far beyond the border with Norway, a little over 250 km from Oslo. I wonder…

Enough about these individuals. I will return to esoteric groups on the dark side injecting themselves into my life, at least that's how it appears to me, a little later on.

more to come…

About my current work

I was the leader of an atheist organization here in Norway. That was in the mid-90s. The following years I moved into areas of being off the beaten track, having several extraordinary experiences. In fact, by the early 2000s I set myself one goal (among many) of making an exhaustive catalog of states of human consciousness. I began investigating the deep basis of various religious and spiritual traditions, while all the time pondering the concept of God and the notion of a foundation of reality upon which everything else is structured. I did this mostly with the adjuvant use of cannabis, but later also extremely profound breathing techniques. The latter granted me on one particular occasion (in the fall of 2004) an amazing visionary tour of the ontology of pedophilia, which made me see the core of the phenomenon even to the extreme of males who are inescapably attracted to toddlers and babies in ways that will end them up with repeated and very long prison sentences. By 2005 I had amassed a convergent perception of the godhead as a moving target which could not be inspected or beheld but only approached through an organic process which also made the life of the subject converge with the full spectrum of life energies permeating the universe. (Remember that Reich showed how the sexual energy is a preeminent manifestation of the life energy.)

By 2005 my working method had also found its final, and present, form in applied Reichian sex economy, making both the use of psychoactive substances and structured breathing techniques deprecated (and being far superior to any methodical meditational or yogic practices). And by then I had also realized that what I was doing was in fact the manifestation of the immanentizing of the eschaton. In explicit terms, that "God" was going to make himself unequivocally manifest in the world with myself as the focal point (you could also say that the Son of God was being born into the world as God the Father (the Creator) at the same time abdicated his throne - this is explained in some detail on the page about Holotropic homosexuality).

From late 2003 until about 2008-9 (when it ceased its open activities - largely due to my participation, I suspect) I was an active member of the gnostic congregation here in the Norwegian capital. Through this communal interface, but combined with my studies of various esoteric communities, I acquired a deep-seated understanding of the common basis for all esoteric/occultist/mystical practices. In particular, it was contrasting this with what I had learned from the teachings of Wilhelm Reich (in particular from my great grandfather's perspicacious popularizing accounts, he was a close and long-term associate of Reich) with the common basis of all these traditions which pervades all the world's power structures, that I realized that these had now all been defeated and that they were going to find themselves hierarchically subordinated to myself.

Now that's the stuff megalomania, self-aggrandizement and savior complexes are made of, some would surely object. Well, I'm not psychotic in the very least, I'm soundly anchored in consensus reality, at least to the extent necessary for social interaction on a rational basis (which doesn't necessarily equate with no conflicts). I'm not the least bit neurotic. In fact, my mental and emotional health is unblemished, and I have the capacity to endure psychological stress far beyond other people. With my now clearly realized vocation always in mind, I am therefore readily positioning myself, time and time again, into precipitous locations, knowing full well that my task is to evoke the incongruous, conflicted energies and subjugate them, concurrently absorbing and integrating their ideological and emotional components, and as a corollary making my unchallengeable status acutely emblazoned on erstwhile power holders.

How do I know I hold the attention of these would-be esoteric power elites? The answer is two-fold: firstly, through my dreams. Since the beginning of 2004 (ostensively) I have had a panoply of bizarre dreams fitting into several fairly clear-cut categories. One of these categories is attack dreams where I am being subjected to traumatizing events, some of these have the, to me, rather clear signatures of military intelligence or some of the esoteric communities. Another category brings me inside these closed elites to experience practices and from a first-person perspective the ideologies and emotional structures of their top echelons. It is all very elucidating, but of course, it is all also eminently deniable. Well, it really doesn't matter, what I am doing is not contingent on ordinary people believing what I say to be true and supporting me. My power comes from these elites themselves as they voluntarily yield to the ultimate presence of the coming manifestation of God. What is the second factor which grants me certitude? Well, logic actually. It all fits into the cosmology and cosmogony which I have realized. Although I don't have all details, nor all the connections, in place, I do apprehend the extremes (and have a realization of contiguity). And they are the connections between God, man and the universe. Not always, and not at any one instance exhaustively (at least not yet), and specifically not on demand, but certainly when I am inspired and incentivized to do so, I am able to explain lucidly to any somewhat intelligent person how these matters come together.

This brings us to BoyWiki and the Boylover community. Pedophilia lives vibrantly among the world's power elites. They practice intergenerational sexual relations with impunity which they deny everyone not belonging to their elite hierarchies. The world is growing increasingly aware of this reality. Now I am here to work these energy matrices. Those who wish to be part of the solution need to align with my process and what I represent.

My position towards the BL community and its activists in particular

I am sympathetic to this cause/movement in much the same way that I am to nationalists/Nazis. Meaning, I agree that we/you are both being victimized and that your opponents are irrational and/or vicious. However, my diagnosis goes a lot deeper than yours, and I'm ready to elaborate on this assertion to anyone who's interested in it. I am convinced that we are on the threshold of transitioning out of the current paradigm across the board. I can see this quite clearly, and I am on the vanguard of this imminent event. You are attempting to revision and reform the incumbent paradigm. I see no point in doing that, for the reason I just stated.

Thus, my interest is completely absent when it comes to law issues, or advocacy, or resistance. I am interested in apprehending deeper perspectives, both from the protagonist as well as the antagonist camps. I am interested in the deep triggers where psychology becomes blurred with and becomes overtaken by ontology. I already comprehend much of the overall dynamics that are in play in the world at this time. I'll volunteer one of the core ones as being the conflict between the genders. The "handling" of male homosexuality through social engineering and the blatant suppression of child sexuality and intergenerational sexual relations are the most critical corollaries of this conflict, the war on masculinity similarly. I don't see any sign of an awareness of these connections among the communities touching on the present one. That's detrimental in my opinion.

Online presence:

References


Links

In English

In Norwegian